I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
