We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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