Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
my liver is dry heaving
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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