I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
