Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
