Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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