There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize