nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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