yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
