so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
