im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize