I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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