There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
