awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
