Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize