I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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