I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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