So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
