the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
