I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize