if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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