I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
