My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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