I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
