I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
