I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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