You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wanna passion pit in your ass
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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