I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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