I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
