Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
