Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
