do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
