I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
