I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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