Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
