i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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