I'm so fucking centered right now
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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