I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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