The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
