He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
