Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize