I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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