If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
