AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
