my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
