i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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