Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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