: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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