just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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