The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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