I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
