Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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