Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
FUCK WHALES
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
