Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
