I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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