Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she smelled like a LAN party
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
