i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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