No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
