my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The uberlube is also flammable
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I need water and some morals
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
