sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
